My Inner Ancestors

(As seen in the Cosmos newsletter that you can read here)

Content warning: The piece contains mentions of sexual assault and sexual harassment.

Two years ago, I sat on the oceanfront of where I was staying after a 10 day meditation retreat in Hong Kong, reconnecting to my mom’s and ancestors’ journeys. After a nearly ten year healing journey, I felt deep peace and calm permeate my very consciousness. In the aftermath of a great breakdown and breakthrough in my body, I began to reflect on what my body was revealing to me: What you try to run away from will always reveal itself to you. When you can befriend your shadows as deeply loved and seen parts of yourself, you can begin the journey toward greater awareness, intentionality, love, connection, and pure magic into your life.

If you told my 18 year old self that it was okay that she almost didn’t graduate high school and didn’t make it into college, that my ancestors were proud of her and loved her unconditionally, she wouldn’t believe you. 

If you told my 25 year old self who was outed by her cousin and uncle for being a young woman in love in a queer body, and made to feel shamed, hidden, and invisiblized by her parents and family that this would lead to a deeper unconditional love, she wouldn’t believe you. 

If you told my 28 year old self who was sexually assaulted and terrorized by a narcissistic abuser that this would wake her up to what really matters to her in life, giving her the courage to trek Mount Everest, and most importantly, alchemize this experience to believe in herself and her visions to be a powerful leader for herself and her community, she wouldn’t believe you. 

If you told my 32 year old self who faced sexual harassment, discrimination, and narcissistic abuse by white men in power at her job that this would awaken her connection to her ancestors and her own power over who she is in this life as an emerging ancestor, she wouldn’t believe you. 

For so long, I vacillated between an anxious, future-oriented existence, performing and chasing an unattainable perfectionism to feel worthy of love, and the other extreme of making a home within my fears and subconsciously allowing self-sabotage, powerlessness, and depression to rule my experiences. Beneath the folds of my thinly veiled yet carefully crafted veneers were all the missing pieces I never understood, the parts of my mom’s trauma that I had taken on as my own.

Have you ever felt like life was happening to you versus for you?

We hear that if we just do what we’re told — go to a good college, get a good job, marry a good partner, and make our parents happy — that we’ll be happy, but why do so many of us feel so joyless, anxious, and empty at the end of each day? 

When I stopped trying to run away from my inherited trauma, I allowed my ancestors’ experiences to wash over me with deep love and compassion. I saw their truth and wisdom as complex, their beings as nuanced and multi-faceted, who just like me, are trying their best to live a fulfilling life each day and be the best versions of themselves.

My liberation came when I realized, that I may not have control over what happens in my life or the ways my body can be triggered from past traumas, but I absolutely have agency and power to choose to embody healing, to choose to embody growth, to choose to embody my own liberation.

I know this is possible for you, too. I would love to help you create a life you actively enjoy, to honor the yes’s and no’s in your body, and trust that you are being guided by your inner ancestors. I want you to feel confident expressing the truth of who you are, assert your true needs and desires, to say YES to what brings you joy and fulfillment, and to cultivate a loving relationship with yourself and let others in to love and support you.